You’ve been there. It’s almost time for dinner, and you are just about ready to pull some things out of the frig. As you walk through the kitchen, you ask your six year old to put away the Legos that are scattered across the floor. This sweet-faced child suddenly bounces up from the floor, and with attitude that would intimidate Donald Trump, declares, “No way! Make me!” You are completely taken aback, and run through a variety of responses that come to mind. Finally, you settle on the even-tempered approach of “These are your toys and you’ve been playing with them here. You need to clean the Legos up now, please.” And even though you’re trying to be reasonable, he is not and replies, “Not doing that. So, too bad.”

This scene has played out in nearly every household, and every parent wonders how to handle the sassy back talk that seems to come out of nowhere. Doesn’t matter the age of the child, but that attitude raises its ugly head every now and then. What’s a parent to do?

Calm Down

My husband tells me it’s a kid’s job to challenge a parent. Is it also their job to make us all crazy? Parents bend over backwards to go the extra mile for their kids. We try to be generous, thoughtful, and fun. So, when your child berates you, it’s tough not to lose your cool. But if we raise our voices, we’re playing into their chubby little hands! So, stay calm and use your inside voice. Instead of responding in kind to your child’s sass, try quietly pointing out that he is going to have do better than ranting to get what he wants. In other words, encourage your child to use a rational tone and have a real conversation, instead of talking back.

Once you establish this calmer, more reasonable approach, chances are your child will realize that sassing will get him nowhere. Try answering the sass with something like, “If you want me to listen to you, you will have to talk to me in a different way.” This should prompt a little thought and a lot more respect.

Threats Don’t Work

Too often, I hear myself saying, “The next time you try that, you won’t be …” Parents have to be the enforcers. Don’t make idle threats. Second chances don’t really work, so be firm and follow through with the stated consequence after one fair warning. It only takes one or two times, before even the most headstrong child understands that you mean business. My favorite story takes me back to when our daughter was 18 months old, very curious and very chatty. There was less sassy back talk in this, but the lesson remains the same. We were in a place where she had to stay quiet, while there was a presentation underway. I told her that we would leave the instant she started talking. The first ten minutes, she was silent, looking to me for approval and feeling so proud of herself. But after that, she couldn’t help herself and began talking up a storm. I gathered her up and we left the room immediately. She was grief-stricken and promised me that she would behave. But I held my ground. The next day, we found ourselves in the place, under the same quiet circumstances. This time, she did much better, and was honestly able to stay quiet for over an hour. The next day, we were able to stay longer still. Amazing what you can accomplish if you follow through.

A Little Bit Goes A Long Way

The next time your child answers you with a sassy tone, start your deep breathing exercises. And count to ten. Slowly. And then, acknowledge that they sound upset and ask them to explain what’s going on. Sounds too simple, too easy, right? But it can work. A little bit of kindness will take all the steam out of their rant, and you might actually learn why they’re responding in an inappropriate way.

When your daughter comes at you with a rude comment, stop and ask her what’s wrong. She just might tell you. Maybe she doesn’t have the words to explain how she’s feeling, or maybe she just had an argument with a bestie. If you offer her an opening, she’s likely to share why she’s in a bad mood, and might even offer an apology to you once she realizes that you’re not so bad after all.

Catch Them in the Act

We are all so concerned with what needs our attention and what’s amiss, that we rarely see what’s right. Catch your kids in the act of doing something positive, something kind, something difficult. It’s easy to fall into the trap of only hearing the sass, but what about the gentle? Try to focus on when your child answers you in a positive and appropriate way. And watch how his face will light up.

These strategies won’t be entirely fool-proof. But you might find that you’re feeling calmer, and that will certainly rub off on the kids. Keep going to your yoga class, because it’s not a slam dunk. But try some or all of these suggestions and watch what happens. Here’s hoping for a little less sass, and lot more sane.